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"The Art of Forgiveness"

It saddens us that lately we have encountered numerous hurting marriages. It seems that at the root of this hurt lies unforgiveness and a fear that forgiving means what another has done to you is "okay." It excites us that there is a victory over every trial. As we counsel various marriages, we have only one hope to profess, the hope that we were able to grasp onto and accept-Jesus Christ and the Word of God.

Often times we are afraid to forgive. There may be a very real "wrong" committed against us. Other times we harbor baggage from our past and become too "sensitive" to any small offense. Daryl and I can truly say that being released to forgive has not only mended, but enhanced our marriage considerably.

Daryl and I both suffered from the baggage of our past. Our healing came only from choosing to obey the Word of God- not our feelings. It got to the point that every offense was magnified to the point that we fought each other, rather than the enemy. True forgiveness can only be grasped by two things: 1) obedience to God's Word and 2) trust.

The Word of God gives us many commands for our healing and blessing. God is clear in His Word that we cannot be forgiven if we choose to harbor unforgiveness in our lives (Matthew 6:14 & 15). Without that forgiveness, how can we prosper in our marriages?

Ephesians 4:31 & 32 tells us, for our own good, that unforgiveness produces bitterness, "Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you." Stepping out in obedience to that Word, regardless of our feelings, will produce a blessing from God which later mends the turmoil our emotions have produced.

But stepping out in obedience to God's Word takes trust. I was healed of the unforgiveness I harbored which was due to some very real abuse I had experienced earlier in life. This unforgiveness festered until I was released by the Scriptures to trust my Lord. "That is why I am suffering as I am. Yet I am not ashamed, because I know whom I have believed, and am convinced that He is able to guard what I have entrusted to Him for that day." (II Timothy 1:12)

We have to be convinced whether to serve God, or not. If we serve Him, we must obey all of His commands-and the Word of God says that we must forgive. Doing so allows healing and blessing to flow into our lives.

"Take Heart Tips"

These are our trademark "Take Heart Tips." We pray that you will not just take them home, but to heart so they go with you wherever you go.

·Confess "unforgiveness."
·Ask God for forgiveness of the sin of unforgiveness.
·If an offense has been committed against you, release it to God.
·Analyze if you have been overly sensitive toward your mate because of other offenses you have encountered in life (such as previous abuse, breaking of your trust, etc.)
·You do not have to wait for the "emotion" of forgiveness to come first, it most likely won't. Choose to forgive out of obedience to the Lord, and He will allow the emotions to follow.
·Trust God with your forgiveness.
·If you are currently in a true abusive relationship, get the help that you need.
We pray forgiveness and the Fruits of the Spirit over your marriages.

Daryl and Kimberlie Zakarian

"The Art of Give and Take"

As the time approached for us to pick a topic for our Marriage Matters column, we sat and discussed what the topic should be. Alright, we admit it, we discuss our monthly topic in bed. It is the only place that we seem to find each day for a little peace and quiet. Being the parents of two, busy daughters, two and four, takes creativity in the "discussion department." So we sat in bed while our children slumbered and asked each other "what should we write on?" Daryl immediately stated, "give and take."

It takes a lot of "give and take" to make a marriage go round. In listening to the numerous complaints of married couples, and even our own gripes, there is a lot of what "I need" being spoken. "I need more romance from my husband," a wife states. "I need more submission from my wife," a husband retorts. Well guess what "I do need things...but so does my spouse." Should we stand with our arms crossed and foot a- tapping until the other gives in?

Never, we say never, have we seen a marriage mended because the other spouse changed first - NEVER! Change takes "give and take." But it starts with give. When we have a need we can graciously and lovingly take it to our spouse, but do not be persistent with that spouse; be persistent on your knees with your Lord. Hear what your spouse needs and start GIVING. We guarantee you, the chances of you getting your "take" is greater if the giving is flowing from you first.

Here are some tips that we find helpful in the "Give and Take" department:

* Listen to your mate. Hear what they need first.
* State your needs graciously to your mate. Then drop it.
* Be persistent with God-not your mate. Kneel daily and ask God how you can be a giver and God will provide your "take."
* Actively be the giver. Seek out ways to be the person and do the things you know your mates needs. Remember, the more mature spouse will be the one to "give."
* Be ready to give a testimony. As you actively give to your mate, pray, and die to your self, your heavenly Father will delight to bless you.

Happy Giving!
Daryl and Kimberlie Zakarian

"The Art of Trusting and Being Trusted"

There is absolute freedom in trusting ones spouse. Some of you may be thinking right now, What are they talking about? We have a Christian marriage, of course we trust each other. Others may be longing to have a relationship of complete and unadulterated trust because, yes, stuff happens.

God designed marriage to be a covenant of unity and wholeness. Genesis 2:24 speaks of that union which was designed for monogamy. It is an inseparable union, capable of producing lifes greatest blessings. But trust is more than the simple issue of monogamy.

We had a trust issue our first couple of years of marriage. There are two sides to trust: 1) Having the ability to trust your mate and the flip side 2) Being worthy of that trust. We have experienced both sides of the pain. We know first hand what it can do to a marriage, subtle as it seems. We also know that God can completely restore trust. We now experience it completely.

Lets face the facts, not all of us came from a glorious past where we entered our marriages with out any baggage. Even if we were suitcase free, we may struggle because there is an issue with ourselves. I have spoken to individuals who came into their marriages without any gunk from their past and there was a trust issue. One young woman I spoke with had a real insecurity problem. Her husband was a minister and she constantly felt insecure about him counseling other women. This minister is a man of God who exercises good judgment; a man completely worthy of trust. Yet for some reason this Godly woman struggled in this area. She had to work through her trust issues and learn to trust God. This was a problem within her founded on no facts. That is one side of trust; giving God the control. Realizing it is an insecurity, a problem within ourselves- not our mates. Then we can admit it and allow God to heal us. A mistrusting and insecure spirit can destroy the very covenant it is trying to hold.

The other side of trust is being worthy of it. As married individuals we need to check our character and motives inside and out to see if there is any hidden thing. Simple things that we think make no difference can render a tear in our marriage that is not easily mended. Unreported purchases, white lies, and hidden agendas- these are all scissors that cut the tear further. There are also more serious issues, who we spend our time with, what we do in our free time, substance abuse. We may be hiding these things from our spouses, but we are not from God, or the enemy for that matter. Being someone who is unworthy of trust damages our union and we wonder, Why isnt God answering my prayers? Even a white lie can give the enemy a foothold- and at once he has entered our homes.

So we ask you this day, Are you trusting of your mate and are you completely worthy of trust? Ask yourself these questions 1) Am I constantly wondering what my mate is doing? Am I sabotaging my union? Is there insecurity within me that I need my Lord to heal so that I can function in the wholeness of unity and blessing that God created for my marriage? 2) Am I completely worthy of trust this day? Are there little white lies or hidden information that I need to confess to my spouse and get the enemys foot out of my home? In confession and prayer there is deliverance. We know first hand!

It is the tough subjects that we often run from- but, we have said it once and we will say this often, we will never be conformed to the image of Christ without the tough subjects. Bring trust and unity back to your marriage. Be a trusting person who is worthy of trust!

Daryl and Kimberlie Zakarian

Senior pastors at Tujunga Open Bible Church praying for and commissioning Kimberlie & Daryl for Holy House Ministries.